Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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