My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
