R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
