when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
