im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I pour the whiskey from now on
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
