haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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