Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
