If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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