My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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