Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
