The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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