i barfeds in our rink
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
