Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
