Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
