I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
