Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
being pregnant is like rehab
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
