i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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