Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
