Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
