I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm sobbing to NWA
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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