I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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