now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
