It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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