apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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