I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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