Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
