i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
