Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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