hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
