I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
