I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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