omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
