I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
