i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
