i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
