I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
