You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
