I didn't shave. On purpose
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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