At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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