i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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