i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
