she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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