I hate your face
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Come on in and take your pants off
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