After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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