Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
