I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
