the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
