but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
