I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
