Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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